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Report: Too Many Asians In U.S. Military

According to a report published Wednesday, the military is overwhelmed with the number of Asian-looking Americans serving in the...

Man Finds It Tough Being Beloved By Everyone

EAST LANSING, MI—Sources confirmed Monday that local 36-year-old Justin Dahlen finds it hard being loved by every person he meet...

I Feel Like I've Been Around This Longer Than Any Of My Friends

Hey, guys. I'm not going to pretend I'm not your old pal, and I'm not going to pretend that I haven't gotten to know you guys pr...

Man Unaware He Has A Deadbeat Dad Trying To Give Him A Kidnap

TACOMA, WA—Saying that he has spent the past few months planning and executing the elaborate scheme, area man Aaron Dowd has rep...

Stephen King Parodies 'The Mist' With Novels

SAN JOSE, CA—The novel The Mist, published Tuesday by HarperCollins, satirizes the novel King published in 1972 for the screen. ...

Dad Wishes He Had More Time To Get Clean

CINCINNATI—Saying that he wanted to make sure he got the proper help, local father Michael Montgomery told reporters Thursday th...

Ravens Lose To Jaguars

INDIANAPOLIS—The Ravens suffered another disappointing loss Sunday to the Jaguars, who only defeated the NFL's other undefeated ...

Trump Regales World With Story Of How He Keeps The Coronavirus Under Control

NEW YORK—Dismayed over the rapid spread of the disease in downtown Los Angeles, the world was reportedly abuzz Thursday over wha...

Migrant Workers About To Be Forced Out Of Legal Business

NEW YORK—Confirming that a landmark labor agreement with the White House would effectively dissolve the country’s immigration sy...

Remaining Aides Betrayed By Donald Trump

WASHINGTON—Saying that his abrupt exit from the administration had left the American people with no choice but to rebuild from s...

Report: All Of Congress Already On Same page With President On Syria

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Tuesday, all of Congress is already on the same page with President Obama on the Syri...

Man Who Wishes He Wasn’t Overly Glamourous Can’t Wait To See What Kind Of Man He Is Going To Be When He Grows Older

COLUMBIA, SCOTLAND—Saying that he wished he could stop feeling like such an outcast by the age of 40, local man Will Hutton conf...

Nation Unaware Of Its Viability As A Political Campaign

WASHINGTON—According to a new study released Monday by the Pew Research Center, most of the American populace is unaware of or u...

NYC Bans ‘Trump-Free’ Nights

New York mayor Bill de Blasio announced the city’s intention to ban all “Trump-free” nights, a move that will have a major impac...

Kids In Prison Are Not More Likely To Pull Out Of Jail Than Kids In Prison

A recent study of inmates at the U.S. Penitentiary for Women found a 2% increase in the odds of teenage girls in prison being tu...

New Articles About Clinton In Accurack

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the articles were written about Hillary Clinton’s email scandal and the FBI investigation into her em...

Cheesecake Factory Releases New Line Of Black Chocolate Oreo Bars

BERKELEY, CA—Chipsecake Factory executives announced Wednesday that the company will continue to offer its popular dessert desse...

Study: Oral–Browsing Can Improve Learning

According to a new study, people who regularly chew their food are less likely to have trouble memorizing new words and can even...

So You Think You Can Be President Of The United States?

Well, I guess you can be president of the United States if you think you can be president of the United States.

White House Prepares To Use New ‘Our Economy’ Memos To Create 48 Million Jobs

The White House is planning to use new memos that will outline the strategy and benefits of the “Our Economy” policy to create 4...

Nebraska's Nation’s Obesity Rates Hit Record Low

According to the latest data from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the nation’s obesity rates fell for the f...

I Wish You Would Just Stop Acting Like A Dumbass

I know I'm doing my best, and that's that. But I still hear you talking about how all of the time is wasted just sitting there l...

Man Who Has Never Been To Area Has No Idea Why

BELLEVUE, WA—According to sources, local man David Graber, who has never been to the area, has no idea why he has never been to ...

2-Year-Old Starting To Think He's Going To League For Life

ANN ARBOR, MI—In a moving and touching testimony before a local grand jury, Brian Moran, 2, told some of his friends that he is ...

National Medicinal Food Initiative Announces It Has Completed First Round Of Research Into Inner-City Preschoolers’ Health

WASHINGTON—Admitting the process is quite complicated from the moment one child begins using the product, the nation’s medicinal...

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