Because We're All Out Of Ideas
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Man’s Mindset Just Fine Until He Decides He Can Just Do Some Other Work
ESSEX FIELDS, ME—By which point, sources confirmed, the 35-year-old’s mind set was perfectly fine until he decided he would just...
‘Man, I Just Can’t Wait To Learn Who These Guys Are,’ Says Man Who Doesn’t Know Who These Guys Are
WICHITA, KS—Noting that he’s gotten used to the group’s behavior, local man Chris Dean told reporters Thursday that he can’t wai...
Fake Fake News Sports' Guide To The NFL Playoffs
With its slate of games shaping up to be a wild and unpredictable one, Fake Fake News Sports presents its expert analysis of eve...
Teenage Girls Like It
LOUISVILLE, KY—According to a poll released Monday, teenage girls are generally satisfied with the lives they lead.
Obama Announces He Will Be Forced To Face The Music Anywhere
WASHINGTON—In a surprising resurgence from the candidate he announced he would be forced to face down and face the music once he...
‘The Beginning And The End Of This,’ Say Sources
LOS ANGELES—According to sources, the six-month-long drama of the 2017 Oscars celebrated the journey of the Academy’s Best Pictu...
Man Must Have Been Wondering Why The Girl Called Him Every Day For Last 5 Years
WESTERLY, MA—Expressing his bewilderment and frustration at the constant phone calls, local man Mark Schuster admitted Monday th...
Facebook, Twitter Suspend Users For Allegedly Reporting Racism
After a user posted a graphic depicting a black person being choked to death by white people, Twitter and Facebook announced the...
Man Who Was Being Hushed By Facial Beeping Has Nothing To Fear
PORTLAND, WA—Saying that he’s been subjected to every kind of nuisance, local man Shawn Reynolds, a man who was being constantly...
New 'Smoothing' Formula To Reduce Cracked Glass
Scientists have developed a new formula that reduces the amount of broken glass on kitchen counters and countertops by 10 percent.
I'm not sure what I was expecting from the lovely woman I met in the library. But when I left her beaming with glee and told her...
‘I’m A Tough Guy, I’m A Tough Guy,’ Says President
WASHINGTON—Lowering his voice while outlining his grueling past of political fighting and public standoffs, President Trump repo...
New Apple iPhone 6 Firmware Bug Lets Users Watch Full Movie To Reduce Stress
The software update for Apple’s iPhone 6 means that the device can monitor your heart rate and monitor your breathing to help yo...
Fake Fake News's Tips For Running A Campaign
For the first time in history, we can switch our focus from politics to entertainment, and it’s easy.
Woman Who Just Got Attended Church Mass Now Listening To Julie Chen
SAN FRANCISCO—Stating that she now wants to be sure she can hear the entire service in full, local woman Fiona Wilder, who just ...
‘Not Funny,’ Says Anti-Trump 'Sick'
A new poll shows that people who find the comedian John Mulaney funny are more likely to be opposed to the president’s policies.
Man Who Already Has A Good Idea For The Future Of The Internet Still Pretty Sure He’s Going To Get A Status Update From Someone Anyway
NEW YORK—Expressing his frustration at having to wait a little longer than he was anticipating, local man Aaron Shaw told report...
Man Just Holding Up Face To Get Attention
CHICAGO—Local resident Arthur Halpin, 48, was giving a surprised and startled face to passersby Tuesday when he noticed that he ...
Pentagon Files Lawsuit Against Trump
The Pentagon filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump over the president’s intent to fire former Director of the CIA John Brennan.
New App Provides Users With Intimate Information About Other Users’ Offline Lives
NEW YORK—Saying it helps them to get a better sense of what their friends have been up to lately, a new app was released Thursda...
Court-Ordered Thanksgiving Day Slaughter For Compulsory
WICHITA, KS—A federal judge ruled Wednesday that the Wichita State University campus' annual Thanksgiving Day slaughter is a com...
Man Who Wasnt That Into Erotic Art Asks For More Time To Watch It
LANSING, MI—Saying he has been meaning to stop by and check it out, area man Chris Morales told reporters Friday he had been afr...
Declaration Of Independence Ignored That Long Time Ago
WASHINGTON—Noting that the ceremony was held in 1789, sources confirmed Monday that the Declaration of Independence was ignored ...
Obama Admits Nation Couldn’t Have Been This Dumb Without Him
BARACK OBAMA, the president of the United States, admitted today that he doesn’t realize how stupid the American people are unle...
Kerry Exaggerating Own Death
The White House is attempting to defend a recent speech Kerry made to the American Legion.
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