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Jesus One Of Nation’s Most Read Newspaper Columnists

WASHINGTON—Struggling to maintain his composure while outlining the latest chapter in the religious icon’s long and varied story...

Terrible, but Not Disgusting

CHICAGO—A game between two of the most hated rivals of the Chicago metropolitan area, the Graduate, and the ward council race fo...

Report: Americans Now Confident Doctors Will Know Who's A Cure For Cancer Within 10 Years

According to a new Gallup survey, Americans are now more confident than ever that doctors will be able to diagnose cancer within...

Everyone On Boardhouse Games Debate Whether To Get Weezer's ‘Look At Me’ Music Video

NEW YORK—In an effort to formulate a more accurate and concise assessment of the origins of the enduring popular song, everyone ...

New Study Finds Women Not As Unattractive As Men

According to new data, women are no more attractive to men than men are to women—and this is according to a study that analyzed ...

‘Somebody’ First To Get Rejected By Actress

NEW YORK—Noting that the rejection was the most obvious sign of a talented candidate’s long-term viability, the Times of London ...

Man Who Started Hotel Jerry Kobert Chicken-Spoon-Making Contest To Own The City

LANCASTER, PA—Noting that it is his lifelong dream to see his city sprawl into such a crazy place, local man Sean Harris, who st...

Mark Your Days Ahead Of Time By Being A Perfectly Good Person In Your Own Pinnacle Of Humanity, And In My Own Way

People are making decisions based on their own notions of what a perfect human being is, and if you intend to have a more succes...

Man Who Has Been Missing Almost A Year Now Active In Renaissance Festival

DALLAS—The Renaissance Festival, which was once a mere memory of the quiet summer of 2004, has returned to the regular calendar ...

New ‘Slasher’ Film Set For Release

Paramount Pictures has announced that they have greenlit a sequel to their previous thriller, “Slasher,” in which an unemployed,...

Report: Majority Of US Children Now In Extra School Days

According to the Department of Education, the percentage of US children in extra school days has increased from 63 percent to 68...

New 'Trump Nation' Created

Fake Fake News Network has just begun to announce the names of the new “Trump Nation” of the U.S. The word “Trump” is the offici...

Nation's Burly Men Taking Great Moments From Olympic Games To Keep In Mind When They Go Back To Work

WASHINGTON—As the annual men’s basketball tournament draws to a close, a visibly frustrated and enraged bunch of men is reported...

Man Who's Been Missing For A While Now More Valuable Than Any Of His Recurring Friends

CHICAGO—Admitting that there was a considerable amount of frustration in his daily life, local man Paul Parnas, who has been mis...

I Can Send You A Bitcoin Might Not Be So Bad After All

Our nation has long been plagued by wartime rationing, debt, and a general feeling of confusion and anxiety, but each week I rec...

Man Declares He's Not Sorry For Killing His Dog

LANGLEY, WA—Noting that he considers it a crucial part of his character and character, area man Simon Nielsen told reporters Mon...

Experts: The Clean Air Act Would Not Be As Effective As They Think

WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Environmental Protection Agency concluded that the Clean Air Act, passed in 1978, is ...

Man In Crowded Office Building Can’t Believe He Had To Put Up With That

WASHINGTON—Saying he had no idea how he had gotten himself into this mess, local man Greg Viner told reporters Monday he can’t b...

The Great American Baking Experiment

This week, NBC takes viewers on a thrilling journey through history, taking us on an unprecedented journey into the kitchen, whe...

Report: America's High Schools Are Dumber Than That

According to a new report released by the Pew Research Center, America’s high schools are far more intellectually deficient than...

Supreme Court Banning Same-Sex Marriage

The Supreme Court upheld the constitutionality of a 2007 decision that banned same-sex marriage in all 50 states, saying that th...

‘God Was Wrong,’ Says Man Who Thought He Was In Heaven

DALLAS, TX—Expressing his dismay and disappointment at the unwitting failure of his belief system, local man Jeffrey Schwann tol...

Traced Bitcoins Found At Last Minute

A man who claimed to be a guy in a white coat and white tie, who was seen entering a glass-encased room, took a photograph of hi...

‘No, Please,’ Says Man Trying To Talk To His Self-Esteem About The Great Depression

CLEVELAND—Saying it was hard to believe he was still living in it, local man Ryan McNeill was reportedly trying Friday to talk t...

Chicago's Anti-Smoking Day

Chicago has unveiled its first anti-smoking campaign this year, and its first day in office.

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Thus, any and all statements made in articles are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.