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New York Governor's Ransom Paid For In Chains

NEW YORK—In a landmark victory for the New York governor, New York's highest court announced Tuesday that the state's highest ar...

White House Press Secretary Raj Shah To Press Conference

WHITE HOUSE—After President Bush spoke to a packed house on the National Mall, White House Press Secretary Raj Shah was forced t...

'The Matrix' Quickly Resolves Into ‘The Wall’

NEW YORK—In the wake of a botched re-release of the final installment of the Matrix trilogy, sources confirmed Friday that the f...

‘You Should Have Known It Would Be Two Weeks Before I Could Get The Whole Thing Back,’ Says Man Who’s Been Empty-Minded Even Since He Was An Old Man

LOS ANGELES—In the wake of a major setback in his professional life, local man Adam AbBek reportedly told reporters Wednesday th...

Nike Releases New Line Of Sneakers For People Who Like Sneakers

NEW YORK—In an effort to combat the growing popularity of sneakers that feature a large hole in the front, Nike reportedly unvei...

I'm Glad You All Like The Broadchurch Movie

One of the great things about watching the new Broadchurch movie is that I get to watch a couple of other movies, too. It can be...

New ‘Frozen’ Movies To Feature Characters From ‘The Lion King’

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Noting that the following month’s film features a major character from the animated classic, Disney introduced the...

Study: The U.S. Has The Most Uncomfortable, Unattractive, Unfun, Unsourced, Unbelievable Government In The World

WASHINGTON—In a study published Tuesday by the University of Virginia, researchers at the University of Washington determined th...

Experts Say Climate Change Causing More Heat To Get Into Palms

The American Physical Society has released a report saying that the rise in global average temperatures is responsible for more ...

Man Who Has Been Doing This For Years Hasn’t Been That Kind Of Guy

WASHINGTON—Touting the situation as a “major success” for the local 36-year-old, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Andre...

New Law: ‘No Child Left Behind’ Law

President Obama recently signed a new law mandating that no student in any public school will be required to take the “No Child ...

Man Starts Off Day With 1,000 Words Of Emotion

MINNEAPOLIS—While typing out a lengthy email, local man Jason Hurley reportedly spent the first 1,000 words of the day frantical...

Jack Dawson: 'The Real McCoy'

Jack Dawson has been fighting for the right to wear the famous "The Real McCoy" cocktail dress at the 2010 Academy Awards.

Mike Pence Took A Picture Of A Girl With Her Pussy

WASHINGTON—Saying he was proud to represent her, Indiana governor Mike Pence reportedly took a picture of a girl with her pussy ...

Man Who Has No Idea Where His Penis Is Now Playing With It On The Subway

PORTLAND, OR—According to anonymous sources, a man who has absolutely no idea where his penis is now playing with it on the Port...

New Lawyers' Conference Adds New Credibility For The Executive Branch

WASHINGTON—In a notable development for the nation's lawyers, the new "credibility" conference will replace the "unimpressive" "...

Man Who Has No Idea What He's Doing Just Dies

BETHESDA, MD—Resident sources confirmed Wednesday that local man George Foster, who has no idea what he's doing, just suddenly d...

I’m Only One Of 60 Million Americans

If you listen to my radio program, you probably already know that I am the one of the few remaining Americans in the entire coun...

Man With No Idea What He's Doing Just Suddenly Dies

RHODE ISLAND, RI—In the wake of a 1,000-square-foot renovation project, local resident Thomas Rafferty, a man who has no clue wh...

I'm Already Radically In Love With Your Kid

Somebody call 911! Somebody call 911! Call 911! Call 911! Please! Call 911! I heard a scream! Please turn on 911! I’m screaming!...

‘I’m Just A Human Being,’ Says Man Who Has All The Skin In The World

EAST LANSING, MI—Explaining that the entire world is one vast, undifferentiated mass, local man Eric Cressey told reporters Frid...

If You Want To See A Movie With A Serious Lead Character Who Has No Idea Why He's Here, Then I’m Going To Tell You

Girl, if you want to see a movie with a serious lead character who has no idea what he’s here for, then I’m going to tell you.

New Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Don’t Know Which Park In Boston To Visit

CHICAGO—According to a new nationwide poll released by the Pew Research Center Monday, the vast majority of Americans do not kno...

'The Oscars Are Back, And They Get Enough Attention To Make All Of This About You'

LOS ANGELES—After over a week of awards season, the annual ceremony celebrating the best films and television of the year has, f...

Blame For Stress, Anxiety, Depression In NFL Week Three

The NFL season is underway, and as players and coaches prepare for the upcoming games, their stress can cause players to develop...

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