New Study: No One In 50,000 Advertisements Will Be 14 Years Old When They All Die

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By Garland McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Following a series of studies that have found that no one in their 50,000-pound numbers has the highest likelihood of surviving one of their 50,000-pound advertisements, the American Sociological Association published a study Wednesday revealing that, of the millions of people in the United States, only the least number of advertisements will actually be placed in their respective 50,000-pound bodies. “We found that, of the approximately 50 million people in the United States, the majority will be able to survive each of their advertisements, but only the minority will actually be placed in a place of their choosing,” said the study’s lead author, Dr. Robert DeNunzio, explaining that the vast majority of advertisements are placed in their heads, and all of them will be able to transport themselves to a large, strange building, where they will be told they are going to die, and then they will be taken into the very same ad-bearing bodies they have in their heads. “Even the largest advertisements, such as, say, the Stanley Cup team’s opening game of the 1997 Stanley Cup finals, will be able to be seen for only a few minutes before they are cast aside, mutilated, and then they will be allowed to live out their lives in a strange and wonderful world.” DeNunzio went on to say that, in addition to the 80 percent of people in the U.S. population that will not actually be actually put in much of a place, which will be of the first order of magnitude, there will also be an extra 20 percent of Americans who will not actually make a positive impact on the world, but will instead be reduced to being a footnote.

DISCLAIMER: This article was written by an artificial intelligence designed to replicate satire news.
Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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