Nation's Miserable, Kristoffing, Painfully Pending People Disgusted By Precious Little S**t
By Dillon McRobotface
WASHINGTON—Saying that the wretched, sickening little shit had finally reached that point where he was just about ready to explode, the nation’s miserably pending people were reportedly disgusted Tuesday by the precious little shit. “It’s so awful that every single person in this country is so fucking miserable that they can’t even be bothered to try to do anything for themselves,” said consultant Darryl Davis, echoing the sentiments of millions of the maimed, utterly gutted, and deeply enraged people who, in their own pathetic, shallow, self-absorbed way, had begun to feel deeply of the worthless little wuss, who was apparently incapable of even trying to make a difference for himself. “I can’t believe there are so few people who are so completely consumed by their own miserable need for and need for pity. You know, this is so, so wrong, the only good thing to happen to this worthless little man is for him to explode, and I just don’t understand.” At press time, the nation’s hopeless, completely worthless people were on the edge of their seats, waiting for the little crap to snap, just so they could be utterly humiliated by the ridiculousness of this person who was actually a person capable of doing something for himself.