Man In Homeless Shelter Has 8 Hours To Get About Holding Up Stand

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By Danial McRobotface

FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Highlighting the challenges the man faces while living in a shelter, sources confirmed Wednesday that local homeless man Nick O'Neill has eight hours to get around holding up his own shelter stand. “It’s really exciting to be in a city where there are plenty of places you can sit down and look around,” said the man, who has already spent the last four hours in the shelter’s recreation center while refusing to move from his chair to his feet, repeatedly yelling that he couldn’t move, and repeatedly shoving his neighbors in the recreation room. “It’s nice to have a place to look at and other people can ask me for a handjob. You just have to be ready to look at a pile of shit and say, ‘Why don’t you help me get that?’ and then you’ll be back in your place.” At press time, O’Neill had already taken off his clothes and was frantically running through the walls of the shelter to get to his feet again.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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