Man Who Hasn’t Even Heard Of What’s Going On In 'Contagious' Plague Hasn’t Heard Of What’s Going On In ’Contagious’ Plague

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By Alex McRobotface

OAKLAND, CA—Explaining that he didn’t even know what the term was and just assumed it was some kind of reference to something weird and intense, local man Joe Schuller confirmed Thursday that he has not even heard of what’s going on in the new outbreak of endemic contagion known as “Contagious.” “I knew it was something I wasn’t used to hearing, but I guess I should have known I was going to be completely blindsided when I heard that—there’s no way I’m not thinking about it,” said Schuller, adding that if he had known that the likes of Tom Cicchetti, Jeffrey Kober, and Michael Kovach were involved, he would have probably been horrified. “I guess it could be some kind of epidemic, but I don’t know. I mean, I guess it could be something like the one that killed a bunch of people in ’93, but it’s still completely unclear what’s going on here. I mean, I’m just a normal guy.” Schuller went on to say that it was hard not to get kind of freaked out about a local man who ended up with a bunch of people who were really sick, but then again, that person probably just went and died.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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