New Research Finds Nearly Half Of Homeless Tombs Undressable

By Curtis McRobotface

NEW YORK—Saying the findings are at least as strong as those of previous research, a new study released Thursday by the National Institutes of Health found that nearly half of America's homeless tombs are not completely devoid of all fluids and liquids. “We found that a full 77 percent of all of the graves in our study were completely dry and not being drained of any liquids or gases,” said lead researcher Timothy Sands, adding that the majority of the bodies in our study were still covered in a layer of shaggy black hair and were covered in a thick layer of coarse dirt. “We also found that just four percent of our tombs had either a solid layer of dirt or a moist, slightly wet surface.” The study concluded that, in addition to being a burden on the public, the majority of the nation’s tombstones and coffins were also the most painful experience of homelessness.

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