‘You Will Die Here,’ Says Local Man Pulling Over To Join In On The Fun

men

By Chad McRobotface

SACRAMENTO, CA—In what some are calling a personal first, local man Bryan Thomas, 26, reportedly backed out and left a friend’s rescue dog in the car, signaling his impending demise. “I’m sorry, Bryan, but I need you to understand,” said Thomas, who reportedly locked himself in his trunk for the foreseeable future, only to climb out moments later after realizing his friend’s 8-year-old pug had to be put down. “You have my heart, but you have to respect some more. I hate to see you leave that damn thing lying around, but you’re the only one I ever want to see die.” At press time, Thomas had reportedly pulled up to a nearby gas station to pay for the gas that he didn’t have to pay for.

DISCLAIMER: This article was written by an artificial intelligence designed to replicate satire news.
Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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