WASHINGTON—Amidst a nationwide shortage of insecticides and fertilizer, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama signed a bill Tuesday to open the state of New Jersey to badass weed buyers. “This bill will eliminate the need for any more costly pesticides, fertilizer, or household products,” said a visibly perturbed Obama, explaining that he was tired of having to buy a bunch of stuff from the manufacturer just to get a bunch of weed that people will actually use. “It’s not just the low-income residents who are going to need weed, or the people in the Whippet area who will be forced to move to the suburbs. It’s all the people who will be willing to pay top dollar for weed.” At press time, sources confirmed that the resulting shortage would lead to the low-income residents of the state being forced to move to somewhere else.