Facing Tough Choices, Nation Finally Gets Out There And Tells People What They Want To Hear


By Marc McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Citing the growing number of people who have decided that the country’s problems are far too complex and difficult to be spoken to in a personable manner, a new Pew Research Center report published Tuesday revealed that the nation is finally getting out there and telling the people what they want to hear. “After years of hearing our problems in a way that made them sound like they were easy and manageable, we have finally reached a point where we can really listen to the people,” said lead researcher Melanie Jenkins, noting that the nation’s citizens are now able to find common ground with each other and their problems, and use the information to come up with simple and effective ways to get the blame off of them. “There is a certain level of empathy, and at this point, people can actually hear the voices of the people, and listen with open ears to the character traits that they have of being a hellhole of failure.” Jenkins noted that this is the first time since the days of the Great Depression that a nation has been able to openly talk about its problems with a straight face without resorting to simplistic, self-pitying remarks.

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