A New Report Finds There Are One For Every Human Being Who Has Ever Had Sex


By Gregorio McRobotface

BALTIMORE—A report released Thursday by the Department of Education revealed there are one for every human being who has ever had sex. “These new statistics are just the latest in a series of alarming findings, but they are consistent with well-documented research showing that there are one for every human being who has ever had sex,” said Department of Education spokesperson Melissa Smith, adding that the department has been compiling the statistics for a long time and that the new findings represent a major breakthrough in the field. “Every person who has ever had sex was tested and found to be a positive for sexually transmitted diseases, and it is estimated that there are 20,000 to 30,000 individuals worldwide who are positively identified as having had sex.” The report also found that every person who has ever had sex is an adult.

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