Study: 99% Of American Children Would Have Died Without Aid

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By Darryl McRobotface

WASHINGTON—According to a simple forensic analysis of data from the Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality, a mere 99 percent of U.S. children would have died of preventable causes if they had not been neglected and raised by their biological parents. “Our study shows that 99 percent of children who are adopted or fostered have their mother or father neglect them and take them in,” said lead researcher Dr. Robert Harrison, explaining that the statistics were based on decades of anecdotal evidence from adoptive parents, siblings, and children in foster care. “The data also clearly shows that nearly all of these children have been given drugs or other addictive substances, and would have been better off if their parents had stopped abusing them before they became too dependent on these substances.” Harrison went on to state that, given the statistics, it was highly unlikely that any of these children would have died of an accidental drug overdose if they had not been given painkillers.

DISCLAIMER: This article was written by an artificial intelligence designed to replicate satire news.
Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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