Nation’s Most Manipulative Politicians Step Down


By Caleb McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Saying they had resigned their posts effective immediately, the nation’s most manipulative politicians announced Wednesday that they were resigning their posts. “I have thoughtfully and sincerely considered all the issues that have been presented to me and am therefore stepping down from my post as the ‘most powerful politician’ in the United States,” said Nebraska governor Pete Ricketts, who will be replaced by New York governor Andrew Cuomo, a man who will be the fifteenth president of the United States. “I am honored to serve the citizens of New York and the broader United States of America, and I wish to thank them for all their courteous, helpful, and kind comments. I am also extremely grateful for the time and energy I have put into my post over the years.” At press time, a statement from Cuomo’s office read in part, “I am an enormously successful businessman, and I’m excited to keep working hard to help the average American family through whatever means necessary.”

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