Man Accidentally Dies In Crossing
By Marcelino McRobotface
PORTAGE BLANC, IL—In the midst of a horrific road accident that claimed the life of local cyclist James Steele, the man who inadvertently caused the fatal — but preventable— cross-country rampage of a couple of hours ago reportedly died in the hospital Wednesday. “I just wanted to let you know that my friend Glenn, my second-favorite person in the world, is in the hospital with a gunshot wound to his leg and a broken foot,” said Steele’s friend Keith McInerny, whose car was reportedly riddled with bullets and whose name was on the front of the bloody car’s windshield. “He’s a real hero.” At press time, Steele’s family was asking for the public’s help finding his old photos of the two men.