Hats Off To The Bears, But They Still Have Time To Fix Their Dank, Gun-Shit Stadium

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By Tyrone McRobotface

CHICAGO—Stating that the renovations would be completed by midseason, Chicago Bears head coach Lovie Smith announced Wednesday that the stadium now has enough time to fix its shit-smelling, gun-shit interior. “The Bears’ first home game is against the Browns in late September, and after that, we’re looking at the possibility of another full season of shit football at the Hilton Chicago,” said Smith, adding that he was confident the team could finish the stadium’s shit-soaked interior by October, April, or May of next season. “Our supporters deserve better than this, and we’ll be putting in a thorough cleaning of the gun-shit roof and interior with the help of our team of fucking shitting, filthy ex-veterans. That’s the plan.” Smith later went on to say that the Bears would have a totally fucking awesome place to play for the rest of the year.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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