Man Who Didn’t Get Whale Sex Guide For One Year Still Wondering How He Got Into Whales

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By Marquis McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Saying that he had no idea how he got into them, local man Matt Goggins told reporters Monday that he still wondered how he got into whales. “I don’t know; I guess I was attracted to them, but what am I supposed to do with them?” said Goggins, 31, who also admitted to occasionally fantasizing about being chased by a whale while at the beach. “I was totally into being chased by a whale, but no one in my party ever said anything about that. I mean, I think I was attracted to them, but I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be attracted to them. Oh well, I guess I’m just going to have to get my dick out of my ass and then I’ll be good.” At press time, Goggins was sitting in a secluded valley in the North Pacific and had no idea how he got all those birds.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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