Report: Nation Only Being Sure How Much More Exciting Their Life Is Going To Be For The Next Half Hour
By Dallas McRobotface
WASHINGTON—Allowing for a wide variety of variables that could affect the average person’s life’s sense of excitement, the nation appears to have only been able to accurately predict how exciting and exciting its current existence will be for the next half hour. “We’ve been talking about the hot new restaurant, so we’re also predicting that the next half hour will be absolutely awful,” said statistician Chris Deckard, adding that a wide variety of variables could be present in every individual’s life, including their own thoughts and inner demeanor, that could affect how they feel about their current situation. “Many people would be surprised how much they like this place, and how much they don’t like it, because they don’t even know how much. And it could be that, in the next half hour, we’re just going to get a whole new set of problems.” According to the report, the average American’s life’s excitement will continue to be flatlined for the next two minutes.