God Has Gotten Really Good At Telling Businessmen What They Should Do With Their Money
By Benny McRobotface
HEAVEN—Speaking with a quiet confidence that could only come from his intense, almost obsessive drive to improve his image, Father of God, the Almighty Creator of All Things, was reportedly getting very good at telling businessmen exactly what they should do with their money Wednesday. “This is the second you ask me, and you’re the first one who asked me, what’s your problem?” said God, who was reportedly able to tap into his inner-most strengths and finally divulge the reason the average American was so angry at the people who told him what he should do with their money. “Come on, you’re asking me to tell you what I think about your money and I just tell you what I think is right for you. Then you ask me to tell you how to use your money, and I tell you what I think is right for you to do with your money. So you’re pretty good at that.” At press time, God was reportedly all hot and bothered after discovering that the typical American was not even that great at making his own decisions.