Report: 99% Of All Americans Would Like To Go To The White House
By Marion McRobotface
WASHINGTON—A report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center has determined that 99 percent of U.S. citizens would like to leave the country and live in the White House. “After surveying more than a million Americans in seven different political, economic, and demographic categories, we’ve determined that 99 percent of all Americans, including those with jobs, are willing to pay for their own house, car, and mortgage, and would also like to buy themselves a president’s mansion, luxury suit, and tactical military-grade armament,” said lead author Peter Snyder, adding that the report’s findings were backed up by a survey conducted in May that found that, on average, Americans with no higher education would also like to purchase themselves the most prized item in the entire nation’s arsenal: a fully automatic functioning Remington 870. “In addition, our data suggest that 99 percent of all Americans would also like to own the most advanced military aircraft in the world, including an American B-1B, an American B-2, an American A-10, and a Japanese Shōgun, as well as the most powerful weapon in the world: an American M80 with the ability to shoot down enemy drones.” Snyder went on to say that the percentage who would not want to leave the country is just slightly higher than the 99 percent who want to live in the White House.