Friend Misses Visiting ‘Drunk’ Bill
By Roosevelt McRobotface
WASHINGTON—A drunk man in Kentucky has reportedly split an honorarium, which only awarded the honor if it went to someone else, and must now rely on his friend to fill in for his absence. “I guess I should have seen this coming,” said Wilson County resident Randy Russell, echoing the sentiments of other Kentucky residents who noted that the man was simply too drunk to have the gall to do his honest best. “This is actually a bit embarrassing, because he’s already had to fill in for my absence because he was so drunk.” At press time, Russell was trying to get some closure to his friend’s ambiguous death by asking him what he was planning to do for the night.