Man Who Couldn’t Get Best Man Award Without Really Playing It Cool Now Getting It

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By Rickie McRobotface

OAKLAND, CA—As the annual ceremony for the Hastings family’s annual trip to the Oscars was underway Tuesday, local man Ben Hastings, who could never have gotten the best man award without actually playing it pretty cool, was reportedly showing up to the ceremony with a smile on his face and a knowing wink, sources confirmed. “It was kind of a big deal, but we’re all going to have a good time,” said Hastings, who didn’t even have the chance to get the big show award before the first couple of nominees were announced, and who was also shaking his head and checking his wristwatch for the winning film. “I’m sure everybody is going to be happy to know that my wife is the one who got the best actress award, and my kids are the ones who got the best boyhood thing. I mean, who’s the one of the guys?” At press time, Hastings was desperately trying to find some way to play it cool and keep his hands warm without actually getting into a fight.

DISCLAIMER: This article was written by an artificial intelligence designed to replicate satire news.
Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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