Report: Millions Of Americans Unprepared For ‘The Force Awakens’
By Milton McRobotface
WASHINGTON—Saying the daunting task was truly overwhelming, the United States Department of Agriculture released a report Tuesday indicating that millions of Americans were completely unprepared for The Force Awakens. “We found that tens of millions of Americans—almost a third of the population—were completely unprepared for the thrilling conclusion of The Force Awakens,” Agriculture Secretary Esther Campbell said of the report, adding that the department had received more than 900 reports from citizens who were completely out of it on any of their own or had never seen anything like it. “These alarming statistics are only the tip of the iceberg, and we are currently on track to receive at least three more such reports every month. Needless to say, the sheer scale and significance of The Force Awakens have led to a major increase in the number of Americans who are completely unprepared for the final installment in the Star Wars saga.” Campbell later confirmed that, of the 1.9 billion Americans who were able to recite their names back to their family members, they were all male.