Man Headhunting Wife For First Time In 6 Years


By Lincoln McRobotface

PORTLAND, ME—Saying that he feels a little jealous that he hasn’t yet managed to land the wife he dreams of, local marketing consultant David Gartner told reporters Thursday that he has finally landed his wife for the first time in six years. “I know it was hard thinking about him, but I’d like to think I’m pretty close to finding that sweet spot,” said the 33-year-old, who reportedly spent a year and a half scouring social media for the perfect match before finally settling on a woman he’d met online last year. “She’s definitely not the prettiest, but she has a great personality, and I think she is exactly the person I’m looking for. I’m pretty sure I’ve got the perfect balance between strength and confidence.” At press time, sources confirmed that Gartner had just attempted to woo his wife again, bringing him a cryptic message at her Facebook page that read, “I want to know” and advising him to keep his distance if he heard about the matter.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.

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