The Man Who Can't Stop Sending Bodies Flying Into Comets


By Terence McRobotface

EVERETT, WA—In what was being described as the most unexpected event of his life, local man Max Schiff admitted Friday that he can’t stop sending bodies flying into the comets of the solar system. “God, I’m so lucky to have found that rare talent,” said Schiff, who has reportedly written more than 200 books about the planets and solar systems, yet has been unable to stop sending thousands of these bodies into space every year since 2009. “It’s always the same: I’m in a room filled with bodies, and then to my surprise, the guy next to me is carrying a child. Sometimes I think I’m going to start sending some of my own, but then he’ll just go away and I’ll miss his daughter.” At press time, Schiff was reportedly sitting in his living room with his wife, daughter, and the children of several of his close friends.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.

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