President of Tribal Nation Unveils New Nation’s First-Ever 'Pulse Attack'
By Laverne McRobotface
WASHINGTON—Saying the ritual was an essential part of the unifying Hawaiian culture, President Maui Vanuatu opened a ceremonial temple Monday to the distant nation’s first-ever “pulse attack” attack, a rare and ancient form of sexual arousal. “Today’s special episode of The Donald,” said the king of the nation’s 8,000 tribal people, who will celebrate the 10-day ceremony “with full force” as the nation’s hottest and most powerful warriors begin to feel their first surges of sexual attraction within the 11-limbed warrior, who has resided in the temple’s sacred cave for thousands of years and has not been seen. “The high priests have meticulously prepared for this unique and significant event, and you should feel it coming from within your body right now as you shudder and grasp for your penis. This is a sacred ceremony, and we must all prepare for the one thing we have to prepare for: the ‘pulse attack’.” The president proceeded to open a ceremonial door to the temple’s sacred chamber, where the nation’s strongest warriors are gathered to undergo the ritual’s most intense phase of sexual arousal.