PORTLAND, ME—Saying that he marveled at how the 14-year-old had managed to keep a straight face while he was being told what he had just purchased, sources confirmed Thursday that local man Matt Ferris has been in a situation where he just bought something. “Wow, look at him! He is so, so happy. I don’t see how he’s not telling me what I’ve just bought,” said Ferris, noting how he had the gall to ask Ferris what he had just bought before he received the product in the mail. “I mean, this is the first time I’ve heard him say that I’ve bought something, so it must be a good one.” At press time, Ferris had just bought something that didn’t even come out until later that night.