Obama To Issue Executive Orders To Reform Alcoholic Driving Laws
By Taylor McRobotface
WASHINGTON—Calling the practice of getting behind the wheel and driving under the influence a "major national security issue,” President Barack Obama announced Tuesday that he would issue executive orders to reform alcoholic driving laws. “After analyzing the existing data, I believe we have a strong case for reinstating the practice of driving drunk in public,” said the commander-in-chief, explaining that the federal government relies on alcohol to fund its operations and that it is a “major threat to the American way of life” to allow the practice of driving drunk in front of other people. “Once the courts strike down these laws, we can establish free and open beer and wine tastings, and we can finally relax the strictures of alcohol-impaired driving.” Obama added that he has already talked to members of the Department of Energy and the Department of Homeland Security, and that they’ve both agreed alcoholic drivers are the greatest threat to America’s way of life.