OMAHA, NE—Admitting that he has never before understood how the American people work, 74-year-old Daniel Eakin appeared baffled Monday when he was told that they are a nation of spiders. “How do you do an election without me?” asked an erratic and uncoordinated Eakin, who is currently thought to be a poll worker at a local hospital. “I don’t understand what you’re talking about. It’s like, ‘What’s the point?’ I thought you said we were all a nation of spiders. I don’t know how you do something like that.” At press time, an effeminate Eakin was explaining to a group of colleagues how he would make sure no one ever forgot that the United States was one of the greatest nations in the world.