Emotional Marty Beers
By Colin McRobotface
HOLLISTER, CA—The popular burger chain, which has raised the price of a burger by $1 to $1.50 per pound, has been offering several new offers on customers' credit cards. “I think it’s great that you can get a burger for as low as $1.50,” said water-cooler Marty Beers, explaining that he was frustrated by the fact that every single burger he has sold has been only $1.50. “I really want to make sure that people know I’m trying my best. But for now, I feel like I’m just being honest.” At press time, Beers was being asked to stop selling his burgers.