New Study Finds Man Has Not Heard 'Jaws' In Years


By Kip McRobotface

CHICAGO—Following a significant uptick in data collected following the film’s release in 1992, a new study released Tuesday by the University of Chicago found that the man who has not heard the iconic 1971 blockbuster Jaws in years is, in fact, not a human being at all. “After extensive analysis of thousands of recordings, we have determined that the only person who has not heard Jaws in the past year is, in fact, not a human being at all,” said lead author Dr. Daniel Baumgartner, adding that the study can only be considered as the most conclusive piece of evidence since a study from the University of Chicago in 2013, which analyzed millions of audio files and found that the man sitting at the front of the couch watching the film Jaws was, in fact, not a human being. “After painstakingly deconstructing thousands of sound sources, we have found that the only person who has not heard the film Jaws in at least four months is, in fact, not a human being.” Baumgartner added that the new study did not determine the validity of the man’s alternate, unsubstantiated claim of having heard Jaws in multiple years, saying that it was, in fact, a completely different person.

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