VATICAN CITY—Saying that he had been preparing himself since the very beginning, Pope Francis announced Wednesday that he was about to be Cardinal. “I have been telling everyone I’m about to be Cardinal—I was just about to be head of the Church of England—but I guess I figured that out a few months ago,” said the Pontiff, adding that he had been “pretty sure” he was going to be a cardinal for a while before finally having a clear idea of what he was supposed to be doing. “It’s starting to look like I’m not going to have to do any work for the rest of my life, so it’s going to be pretty easy. I don’t really have to change my whole life, though.” At press time, Pope Francis had reportedly decided to just start doing church in the basement.