U.S. To Make Up For Lack Of Close Partnership With Israel


By Scot McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Lamenting the country’s weakness in the Middle East, officials at the United States Department of State announced Thursday that the United States will be making up for its lack of close government ties with Israel. “It’s simply not enough to give us a comprehensive picture of the region, and now we have to come up with something better,” said State Department head Rex Tillerson, adding that the United States’ inability to maintain a close relationship with Israel has made it “harder for American policymakers to make tough decisions in the Middle East.” “And the lack of close ties means that we can’t just be happy that our embassy is closed, and then go off and do something that will really help us. If we don’t have a close relationship with Israel we’ll just think about just being nice to it.” At press time, Secretary of State Rex W. Tillerson had reportedly begun complaining to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu about the United States’ inability to make peace with the Palestinians.

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