Research Finds Almost Half Of Americans Would Never Still Be Walking On Air


By Deon McRobotface

CHICAGO—Saying the study was particularly relevant to those who were falling or had fallen, researchers at the University of Chicago published a new study Friday revealing that nearly half of Americans would never still be walking on an airplane. “Our data clearly indicate that the vast majority of Americans would never still be sitting inside their seats, either on a plane or in a plane’s cargo hold,” said head researcher Dr. Richard Clark, adding that the trend was especially pronounced among those who were wheelchair-bound, had received a puncture wound to the spine, or who had their hands wrapped in bandages. “This is especially true for those who were wearing a seatbelt, were standing with their legs dangling, or were covered in blood. Considering that a majority of the people we studied were either wearing a seatbelt, had sustained a puncture wound, or were covered in blood, this suggests that a substantial portion of Americans would never again be walking on an airplane at all.” Clark went on to say that the study also revealed that the vast majority of Americans would be dead at the very moment the plane made a hard right turn, crashed, or was flipped over on its side.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.

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