Ted Cruz Goes On A Mission To Find Out How Many Pounds He’s Going To Have To Pay For Heels

By Joel McRobotface

LOUISVILLE, KY—Calling it an important part of his campaign to keep his campaign running as smoothly as possible, presidential contender Ted Cruz reportedly went on a mission to find out how many pounds he’s going to have to pay for heels Friday. “This is a business; you never know how many dollars you’ll have to pay to get your heels on the lowest possible price,” said Cruz, who, according to sources, has already spent $50,000 on travel and about $35,000 on the delivery of his signature campaign fenders. “From the very start, I’ve been looking for a way to make sure we have the best possible price, and that’s where my trip comes in. As long as we’re making a few small moves here and there, we’ll be good to go.” Cruz then reportedly spent another $35,000 to buy a set of little plastic chairs for each of his debate locations to help him stand upright.

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