Mets To Wait Until All Their Money Is Gone Before Opening Day
By Efrain McRobotface
NEW YORK—Rising from the dugout in a frantic three-hour attempt to get his precious money back, Mets pitcher Matt Harvey announced Wednesday that he would wait until all the money from the previous week had been spent on the team before opening day. “I’m getting every penny I can out of this thing,” said Harvey, who then was seen frantically maneuvering his arm into position to retrieve his $40,000 check. “I’ll just get it out of the way, and in five minutes or so I’ll be able to have some of that prize money. I’ll be in the big black of the Brooklyn Bridge, watching the Mets chase the first-place Yankees, and then I’ll be out of here for good.” Sources confirmed that Harvey went on to say that if the Mets did not finally win the inaugural World Series, he would likely never bat again.