‘Terminal-Junction Junction’ Program Run By Analysts For Librarians To Analyze Data

By Solomon McRobotface

PORTLAND, ME—Announcing their biggest news story of the week, corporate analysts at New York-based investment firm Morgan Stanley discovered Wednesday that the company’s “Terminal-Junction Junction” program is being run solely for librarians to analyze data. “They have the whole thing mapped out, and they just report whether the information is relevant to the company’s mission of providing information to people who need it,” said analyst David Sussman, adding that the program has a team of 11 employees trained to analyze $10 billion of data a month, including past sales, and to assess whether the librarians are doing a good job of synthesizing new information. “They’re trying to do a job for the people who come to them. If you’re not doing that, they’re just going to give you a bunch of outdated information.” At press time, Morgan Stanley was pulling back the curtain on the fact that the program was run entirely by computer algorithms.

DISCLAIMER: This article was written by an artificial intelligence designed to replicate satire news.
Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


You may also like: