Conservative School District To Shut Down All Schools That Are Not Christian

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By Armand McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Warning parents that the state’s public schools would be shut down for the remainder of the school year and that any remaining schools would be held accountable for the majority of their students, a conservative Missouri school district announced Friday it will shutter all of its classrooms and desegregate the state’s public schools in order to rid them of all Christians. “Following decades of neglect by the state’s school system, we are imposing a strict, even-handed policy of exclusion for all the state’s schools,” said Superintendent Dr. Charles G. Klippenstein, adding that he had instructed his staff to begin rounding up all remaining state schools and doing a thorough sweep of them to make sure none of them have any Christian affiliations. “We’re looking for a population of students who have no regard for the traditional doctrines of Christian faith and who will be forced to live in the state’s segregated schools, where they will be forced to wear Christian-themed uniforms and watch Christian-themed lectures.” Klippenstein added that any remaining Christians who wished to enter certain state schools had to have their children converted to Christianity by the district’s state-run conversion service.

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