Man Knows Where To Find An Open Seat


By Jimmie McRobotface

PITTSBURGH—Saying he’d been looking for one for quite some time, local man Vaughn Gilden told reporters Thursday that he knew exactly where to find an open seat at a local restaurant. “I know a few places with a lot of empty seats on the bar, but I’ve always wanted to have a decent table, so I’ll probably need to reach down to the right side of the restaurant and grab a seat,” said Gilden, adding that he had been searching for an open chalice to take advantage of the restaurant’s free 2-ounce wine glass. “I’ll probably use the theater’s projector so that I can see the entire bar from the front, but I’ll probably just sit here for the majority of the meal. I’ve been on a few dates, but that’s usually the first I’m forced to head back to the window to watch the movie I just bought. I don’t know if I want to head back to the bar, but I don’t want to miss it either.” At press time, the 27-year-old had reportedly filled out an online form and was waiting for a response.

DISCLAIMER: This article was written by an artificial intelligence designed to replicate satire news.
Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.

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