New CDC Report Finds Only 3% Of U.S. Citizens Could Handle A Little Poisoning

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By Vernon McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Praising its findings as a major breakthrough in the field of public health, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released a report Friday confirming that only 3 percent of U.S. citizens could handle a little poisoning. “After analyzing over a thousand cases across the nation, we have found that the vast majority of Americans are unable to handle a mere drop or drop of raw lyophilized vinegar, or even a small dose of an applied 5% solution,” said CDC director Robert R. Redfield, noting that the majority of people in the U.S. were either too weak to even muster a single lick, or simply couldn’t handle the taste of the vinegar at all. “For those who can handle a few drops of vinegar, we recommend that they only drink it in small doses or leave it to go down as an evening worry. Those who can handle a small amount of poison, however, should use it to try and procure a powerful, lingering headache.” The report also found that, of the three percent of Americans who could handle a little poison, only one was able to handle a small amount.

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