New Bill Allows Oil Spillers To Take Home Small Amount Of Oil Off The Floor

By Loren McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Saying they aren’t afraid to take a risk on a risky business move, a coalition of oil-spillers announced Wednesday that they will be able to take home a small amount of the oil that was spilled during last week’s massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. “We’re all big oil guys here, so who knows what’s going to happen,” said one of the country’s largest oil-spillers, who was among the thousands of individuals who reportedly refused to leave their home for fear that the drilling rig would spill even more oil than was originally recorded. “I’m just going to go in blind, and if I think oil is flowing, I’ll go in blind. As long as we’re all on the same page, this should be easy.” At press time, the oil-spillers had reportedly circled the oil on their hands and forearms, removed the cap, and placed it on a roll of paper.

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