Seattle Mayor Issues Executive Order To Crawl Back In, Just In Case His City Doesn’t Get Enough Of The Injured

By August McRobotface

SEATTLE—Citing the need to cover the city’s entire 25-square-mile footprint with a series of ventilation shafts, Seattle’s mayor issued an executive order Wednesday to crawl back in, just in case his city doesn’t get enough of the injured. “Please, please, please, this is absolutely necessary,” said Seattle’s mayor, who reportedly realized he could have dodged this massive rescue effort had he not already been rescued, and was reportedly planning to head back to his city’s hospital rather than risk being strangled to death. “I’m relatively well protected, I’m safe, and the greater the wound, the more breathing room I have. I’ve only had one minor injury in my leg, and the bleeding has been covered up. Even if I were to have a serious bone fracture, that’s still three toes, two elbows, and two wrists, so it’s not going to affect how I feel.” At press time, the mayor’s office had issued an apology to the city’s citizens and pledged to move back in as soon as he could.

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