Nation's 4-Year-Old's Heart Wakes Up Every Morning

politics

By Chase McRobotface

WASHINGTON—According to a study released Tuesday by the CDC, the nation’s 4-year-old’s heart is awakened every morning by a gentle beating of the child’s chest, a few moments before his or her parent’s body goes limp. “We’ve found that the average 4-year-old’s heartbeats at a rate of about 120 beats per minute, but with their heartbeats being so gentle, it’s easy to forget that the child’s heart is actually beating at a rate of some 400 beats per minute,” said CDC director Robert L. O’Keefe, adding that the typical heartbeats found in the child’s chest were very gentle, and were often accompanied by a brief pause to let the child recover. “With such a gentle heartbeating, it’s easy for the child’s heart to go dormant, and he or she simply doesn’t notice when his or her heart is beating.” The study was written before the CDC released its new statistics, which will determine that the average 4-year-old’s heartbeats are simply not strong enough to assist him or her in a rational, conscious choice.

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