Man Who Never Made It Out Of Elevator Gets To Drink More

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By Dale McRobotface

SILVER SPRING, MD—Emphasizing that it was a “big mistake” and that everyone should be ashamed for not making it out, local man John Michaels confessed Monday that he got to drink more than he ever intended. “I should have made it out the door at the top of the stairs, but instead I got kicked out of the elevator,” said Michaels, who was clearly relieved as he was escorted out of the elevator and into the parking lot where he was met with a friend who completed the journey with him. “It was a big mistake, and I’m sorry. I should have made it out there. But I didn’t. Then I had my friends check in with me, but everyone was too drunk to even remember me. Oh, well.” At press time, Michaels had gotten a hotel room key, but it still wasn’t his.

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