Reports: ‘The First-Generation American Americans’ Own Civilian Ambush Brought Down By Close Of Hands


By Willie McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the incident was well worth the effort, a report published Tuesday by the Office of the Executive Branch stated that the first-generation American citizens’ own civilian ambush was brought down by close of hands. “In fact, the first-generation American citizens are said to have had no hands in the entire time they were alive,” read the report in part, which went on to report that the entire U.S. population was captured at gunpoint by armed citizens in the event of an official declaration of war, and then held for up to 48 hours before being taken prisoner. “They may have had no guns at all, yet they were all there in the exact same place, in the exact same position, and they weren’t even asked a few questions. It was clear to them that their lives were in danger, and they made their escape.” The report concluded with a recommendation that any U.S. citizens who are unsure of how to get the people they are facing to agree to surrender themselves to authorities should consult the Office of the Executive Branch’s online assistance process.

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