Study: U.S. Coast Guard Uses Onset Suicide Attempts To Convince Women They Might Want To Check Out The Pictures

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By Antwan McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Saying that the first step in coercing women into having sex with you was to convince them you’re a total cuck, a study published Monday by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention revealed that the U.S. Coast Guard uses onset suicide attempts to convince women that you’re a total cuck. “Our data indicate that the Coast Guard’s onset suicide advice is a highly effective means of convincing female Coast Guard members that you’re a total cuck,” said study co-author Dr. Diana Morley, explaining that the Coast Guard’s “Freshman” theory of how to woo women into having sex with you is derived from their own onset suicide attempts. “In the event a female Coast Guard member spots you flashing your big dick, just start talking about how you’re so hot, and you’ll be hooked.” Dr. Morley also confirmed that the Coast Guard can’t keep track of all the women who have successfully made you want to have sex with them.

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Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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