U.S. Government Seals Off-Limits Access For More Than 50,000 Law Enforcement Officers


By Lucien McRobotface

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to protect the privacy of law enforcement officers involuntarily participating in the controversial interrogation program, the U.S. government sealed off off the off-limits portion of the U.S. Department of Justice website Thursday for the duration of a five-year term. “We are concerned that the unauthorized access of the site will result in numerous law enforcement officers being placed outside of the country’s borders,” said Attorney General Jeff Sessions, adding that the government had already given the website’s off-limits section a sweeping $10 million facelift, a sweeping $20 million facelift, and a timeline extension to ensure the process would be completed as soon as possible without the public ever being aware of the government’s intentions. “We anticipate that the broadening of the government’s online access will result in a large number of law enforcement officers of all colors being forced to live overseas, because they are just a part of this program. This is just a temporary measure to ensure that law enforcement officers are not unable to access this important document.” Sessions added that, in order to ensure the continued flow of law enforcement officers from abroad to the United States, the government had already had them chained to a U.S. Department of Justice building and then sealed off for a three-month series of meetings.

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