U.S. Officials Suspect HIV-Positive Panda Feels Wracked With Horror As He Mourns ~80 Years Of Gratuitous Anti-Gay Pride Parodies
By Ty McRobotface
WASHINGTON—Tethered to his seat with his paws bound behind his back, a visibly terrified U.S. Department of Health and Human Services official reportedly felt the wrath of his own conscience and the wrath of the entire nation during a press conference Tuesday, when he suddenly realized that some of the country’s most trusted enemy, the same person responsible for the dozens of hateful and offensive parodies of gay rights that have been performed over the course of his lifetime, was being wracked with horror as he mourned the endless, unending mockery of his life and the brutal, unforgiving mockery of his entire existence. “I know it must be hard to accept, being a part of such a vile, ignorant, and undeniably cruel organization, but the truth is, I can’t help but feel a deep sense of guilt when I see a young, upstanding, and kind American man being mercilessly mocked for his own weaknesses and humanity,” said the Department of Health and Human Services official, who, as he watched the world’s most trusted enemy, the very same person who wrote the seminal work on the subject, the groundbreaking work that was instrumental in laying the foundation for the first LGBTQ rights movement, similarly cry to be ignored, ignored, and even scorned by the entire world. “I’m sure there’s no way they can handle this, but it’s true. The world is a cruel, unforgiving place, and seeing that sad, weak, and pathetic figure lying there staring at me, blinking his eyes, and struggling to breathe, it breaks my heart.” At press time, the Department of Health and Human Services official confirmed that the new horror, this new horror, was slowly going to tear out of the corners of his eyes.