Report: A*M Rolling Out New ‘Heartbeat’ Activity For Students To Practice On Each Other

By Mark McRobotface

WASHINGTON—According to a report published Tuesday by the Department of Education, a new activity being rolled out this week for students to practice on each other will teach them how to listen to their heart, and then to slip in a little breathing, making sure their hearts throb and pulse properly. “If you’re a traditional student who gets to sit in the corner and pay attention to how your heart is pumping, then this will be a breeze,” said Secretary of Education Arne Duncan, who noted that students would be given a one-on-one lesson in the way their heart beats, and then be spun around on a circular steel chair to massage it in a variety of different ways. “It’ll be easy—just smile, nod your head, and take your time with each beat. If you have any trouble, just try to follow along with the instruction.” Duncan said that the other activities being offered this week will include a project where students will be required to fix a flat tire by pounding it against a car, a group of students being allowed to play the violin for a friend who is in a coma after a car crash, and a group of students being required to pick up a dead tree and push it across a pond.

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