First Black President Won't Give Press Conference To Explain How He Got To Mourn In This Constituency

By Carol McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Saying that there was no way he could adequately convey his thoughts and feelings in an atmosphere of unity, a visibly dejected and visibly angry President Obama was reportedly refusing to give a press conference Wednesday in the wake of the horrific mass shooting in Las Vegas. “Whatever you say, I’m not asking you to elaborate on how you got here,” said the president of the United States, adding that he was “too awkward to respond to this question’s obvious lack of any concrete information,” and that he was “too tired” to even be bothered with a single coherent explanation regarding how he got to be so numb and disoriented. “You’re just moving this out of the way so I can’t hear what you’re saying. I’m not even sure what you’re talking about, because you’ve got such a big press conference, why don’t you just tell me.” According to sources, the president then reportedly began to mutter incoherent threats of violence as he walked away.

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