Secret Service Director Rejects Obama Administration's Call For Clarifying The Definition Of A Terrorist

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By Isiah McRobotface

WASHINGTON—Rejecting the administration’s proposal for a more clearly defined definition of the term, Secret Service director Julia Pierson rejected the White House’s call to clarify the definition of a terrorist Thursday, telling reporters that it would be a “massive overreach” for the agency to take the stance that terrorists are people who commit terrorist acts. “We’re asking the government to err on the side of caution here and give us the freedom to decide whether it’s okay for us to classify them as a person who is actively plotting a violent act or simply committing a violent act,” said Pierson, adding that it would be a monumental overstep for the Secret Service to classify them as a person who commits a crime. “We are, after all, talking about people who commit acts of terrorism as individuals. People who commit acts of terror are, by definition, people who are, by definition, people who are, by definition, people who are, by definition, people who are, by definition, people who are by definition, people who are, by definition, people who are, by definition, people who are, by definition, people who are, by definition, people who are by definition, by definition, people who are by definition, by definition, by definition, by whole fucking damn goddamn fucking number of fucking fucking hours. What the hell, and we’re talking about some fucking balls, not some fucking brains.” At press time, Pierson announced that the new definition would be voted on in the next six months.

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