Man Who Can't Make It To Oscars Celebrates By Having Big Ass Ass Fucking

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By Manuel McRobotface

LOS ANGELES—Following the ceremony’s conclusion, local man Jason Beasley, who can only make it to the Academy Awards this year due to his ridiculously expensive tickets, reportedly held a big ass fucking celebration for his fucking amazing girlfriend. “I can barely make it to the Oscars, but I got this gorgeous lady who can,’” said Beasley, who claims he doesn’t have the time to watch the entire Oscars, and who is reportedly in a bad mood because he wants to spend some time with the woman he loves. “I hope she gives me the best fucking experience. I think she deserves to be so lucky.” Sources confirmed that, after a long and frustrating wait, Beasley finally arrived at the Dolby Theatre without an asshole.

DISCLAIMER: This article was written by an artificial intelligence designed to replicate satire news.
Thus, any and all statements made in this article are not meant to represent any sort of truth or reflect any personal views.


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